So here’s what I figured out:
1 - the volume buttons are not shorted, just the sleep button is. Since the sleep button is shorted, iOS didn’t know how to respond to the volume button being pressed (probably thought I was trying to hard reset, ergo did not change volume like it normally would)
2 - The iPhone will boot and function normally when the quad flash/sleep button connector is unplugged. They are both on the same circuit. [br]
What I think happened was the water that was inside the rear camera also got into the flash module. Since the flash and sleep button are on the same circuit, and the phone functions normally without the circuit attached, I think this module might be shot. So I will just replace it for $20 and see if it works. Bootstrap method ftw!