Quick update: it looks like the issue was a bad BIOS from Windows Update. I used a $13 CH341A clip on programmer from Amazon to fix it. The file you download from Dell's website is crap though. You have to run a bunch of Python scripts to convert it to the proper format, and some folks are packaging up files that are virused to hell or otherwise malicous (even the Linux ones were not good). So it took a lot of trial and error. Some of the exes that the scripts called I had to compile from source, it was a complete pain in the ass.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, I recommend running every single thing you download through a site like [link|http://VirusTotal.com|VirusTotal.com|new_window=true], and if it has a single red flag, don't trust it. -- Even if it comes from GitHub.
Also review any source code you run, and/or run it on a VM to be safe. Because... what a pain in the butt. But at the end you should produce a .bin file that you can actually flash to your chip.
If anyone else has the same exact model number of laptop, and is facing this issue, let me know, I can send over the .bin file that I converted.
Also, when you finally do get to the BIOS flashing stage, I recommend using a Linux live install, and the flashrom tool. Not a single one of the GUI based windows ROM flashers that I found were free of viruses. -- And remember to backup the existing BIOS before overwriting it (because your issue might be different, and maybe the old BIOS was fine, etc. This just gives you the ability to return it to that state just in case).